Jenny A Taking Back Sunday FanFiction
by Gabbyy Marie
Summary: As a fan of Taking Back Sunday I was insprired by the lryics to the recent albums to tell a story. You dont have to be a fan to appreciate this tale of A Lead Singer of a band whos lost the love of his life to soon. Left with more questions then answers, Adam is haunted by what could have been and is out to find out who Jenny really was.


Jenny

It was a late night in Manhattan in June, luke warm weather and the sound of the constant traffic of New York bellowing in my ear. She had told me she was running away tonight and not to try and follow her this time. I looked out my window to see her packing her things into that beat up red suitcase again. I had considered every option to get her to stay, prescription pills to diamond rings. Jenny… I'd been in love with her for 4 years now but she barley considers me a friend. We'd lived in the city in separate apartment complexes, but we could see each other through our windows across the alleyway. Call me creepy but I loved just watching her, there was almost poetic about the way she did things. When the window was open sometimes she used sing but not songs anyone would know, they were her lyrics dark and lovely no matter the key. Sometimes I'd hope she'd sing about me, all the nights she'd came home drunk from the parties on the upper side of town. I'd take her in my arms and finally have her, I was always craving and I think she knew. We'd act like nothing happened but things were always so passionate between us, and I remembered more than I'd like to forget. Thinking that would never happen again…could almost kill me. Those times together, being intimate…I didn't know they'd mean so much to me. I didn't want them to mean that much. I blame myself for her leaving this town, everything, and me in it.

There's so much to a girl like Jenny, things that will probably be hard to explain to a beat up old book of lyrics. As beautiful as she is there's been something inside her that grows darker every day. Jenny seems to think of herself a martyr of a sort; she'll never get to close with anyone cause she fears she'll get them hurt. I'm the closest person to her, since her father died when she was young. I think it scares her that I love her so much, but I just can't make myself stop. I can't believe it's so late; she's still crying and looking over at my dark window. I don't want her to say she loves me when she's never coming back. I couldn't take it. I rather have her leave thinking I never loved her instead of stuck in the middle or return to sender and get up and go. We've been through everything together and yet she still has no desire to live. That's another thing about her, part of her whole martyr thing is she's slightly suicidal. I've made damn sure to get just close enough to stop her, but I don't think there's much else I can do.

I slipped out onto the ledge of the window and wondered why I loved this girl; she made my life hell yet there was something so beautiful about her. Her slender frame spared me a last glance before it slipped out the door and the lights in the room went out. How could I let her slip away, everything I ever loved and believed in going right down these barren streets? Suddenly it wasn't as easy as excepting her going and I would die to be enough for her. I come crawling back ever time, over and over again every night she goes. Before I could stop myself I flew down the 3 flights of stairs hopping in that old mustang I'd had for years. There was only one way that I could be sure that she didn't want me anymore, to reverse our usual roles and see if I found her waiting for me.

There was this old brick house on the outskirts of town just outside Manhattan, which would seem like nothing to the usual passerby, but I knew better. I had held Jenny's hand the millions of times she'd come back to this shell of the house she grew up in then grew out of. "Adam" she'd always whisper into the cold December night, and when I'd ask her what she'd just look at me in that way of hers and kiss me so hard I'd forget everything we'd ever tried to hide. Miles from the road the whip of the wind would hit even harder against my skin the more bare and vulnerable she made it each time she had lead me to the borrowed mattress under the Oak tree. My love was so genuine in those moments, and she was so unprepared but it never mattered because she fit me perfectly. My body would respond to her without even trying, and by the chills down her spine I must have had the same effect… That same wind brought me back into the present. Exit 152 I whispered realizing this was my turn off, not one neither I, nor anyone for that matter used anymore. I flew down the dirt road trying to put all of this into perspective, if she kept running would I eventually have the nerve to stop chasing her? Why was I even following her this time, did I want her for nothing more than hating her for what she was (if so was that love or lust)? I grunted in frustration and realized I was almost to the spot I have to get out at.

I slammed the door and trudged through the snow, as I looked up I noticed the light in the distance it hit me she was right where I knew she'd be. It was like déjà vu except for this time as I trudged threw the dirt and weeds the light seemed to dim rather than brighten and that's when I realized this was all wrong, I was standing next to the mattress by the tree.

I awoke as suddenly from the dream as I had fallen into it and started to put the pieces together; that it was Tuesday morning and from the flashing of the alarm I had slept through meant I was over an hour late to the studio. I tossed the covers off and stumbled over to the kitchen grabbing the bottle of antidepressants and a 12 once energy drink. There had to be a way to ease this pain, to make her stop haunting my dreams at night, and to rid myself of the dark cloud that's been over my head since she died. The doctors try to make me see therapist to ease the guilt and put me at peace but I know myself, and that's something that only me and my lyrics can do. I grabbed my cell phone and reluctantly called the studio, bull shitting about a family emergency and being a little bit later than usual. The guys were on to me, they had to be but as long as they don't confront me I can just keep pretending I'm okay. Grabbing my Jacket of the coat rack I got into gear getting everything together for the demo. I walked over to the window, swallowing the pill and taking in the empty apartment across from me.

"Jenny" I whispered fogging up the dirty glass,

"Stop talking bout dying, like we haven't tried it". With that I slowly walked to the door and turned off the lights that had been on all night, glancing behind me one last time to see that silhouette fade into the bedroom.

I got of the subway at my usual stop and trudged down the street trying not to take in my surroundings very much, which ran me smack into my band mate Eddie who was outside the studio muttering into his phone.

"What the hell ADAM!" he exclaimed shoving me in the shoulder.

I didn't mean to be an ass but all I could do was shrug. He shot me the dirtiest look he could muster and took his call back into the studio muttering how it was bad enough I'm late. I pulled out a cigarette and leaned again the brick wall figuring I wouldn't be welcome inside for a few more minutes. After lighting up I finally decided to take a look around, taking a deep breath and exhaling rings of smoke into the air. No one seemed to notice me as they walked by, the couples holding hands or the children skipping down the sidewalks. The unhealthy part of me would always envy them because I knew what it was like to be in love…and have it taken away. Sucking in another breath of smoke I thought back to the times Jenny and I had walked these streets, fingers barley brushing and eyes straight ahead. Knowing what it was like to be loved and to be in love were two separate things in my world. I felt heat itching dangerously close to my index finger and threw the cigarette to the ground.

"Adam" a voice called pulling me out of my head for a moment. I turned and saw our bassist Matt signaling for me to come inside, turning and closing the door. I took one last look down the busy street, stomped down on my smoke and prepared myself for confrontation.

Our studio was just like any other rock bands, animal print furniture and out of date vintage lamps and framed records. As I walked through the waiting room down to our basement-recording booth I could always clear my thoughts enough to focus on getting this album to our fans. Everyone was silent as I rounded the corner and sat down on the nearest stool. Eric Valentine our producer emerged from the behind the glass doors.

"Adam Lazzara", he bellowed breaking the silence.

"Nice of you to lend us your voice". I pulled the leather bound pocket book from my jacket pocket and stood. Turning the pages past my writing to the lyrics I had scrambled down the night before.

" Wrote ya'll some lyrics!" I stated triumphantly. Everyone couldn't help but laugh and smile but of course Eric couldn't be charmed that easily and wouldn't take my word lately for good lyrics. He motioned for me to toss him my pocket book so, reluctantly I did. As it landed in his hand it also landed on a new page of writing, not the lyrics but the tales of Jenny. We all fell silent for a couple minutes and the fog started to cloud my thoughts again. I turned to look down the hallway to the stare case and saw a pair of Amber eyes gaze back even if only for a moment. Blinking multiple times before looking back toward Eric I saw the spark that I knew would mean trouble.

"Lazzara, Step into my office" He stated walking into the glass recording both and sitting on the couch.

"We've found your ticket to the big time, its her,in the journal" he smiled lifting an eyebrow "Just give me a couple minutes with these entries and we'll have pure gold".

I withdrew into my own thoughts realizing exactly what our producer was planning. This can't happen, singing my deepest thoughts to millions of people, thoughts I try to bury daily.

"C'mon man" he said punching my arm, " I can't let this band put out another average punk band album, these feelings could easily be the push everyone needs. Not trying to guilt you but there's a lot riding on this." I clenched a fist and tried hard to see this from a un bias prospective. Finally I glanced out through the glass to my band-mates looking at expectantly.

"What's wrong with the lyrics I wrote" I managed to say calmly. The rest of the conversation was cut and dry, how there was nothing wrong with my lyrics but one good track doesn't make an album. Call me superstitious but as I agreed to this I could almost feel her materialize, my words coming to life would be bringing her back to life as well. Scared the hell out of me but maybe this could be a way of coping.

The rest of recording was a blur to me, Matt blubbering about more crash symbol in the drum part. That way everyone suddenly didn't look so disgusted by me and praised me for the great ideas, while Eric was upstairs turning her into our junior album. As soon as I could I blotted from the studio and decided to walk home instead of public transport. How could I just stand by and let this happen, these things were never supposed to hit paper better yet my music career. As I took a few deep breaths I final realized I had started to take the long way back to my apartment. I began to look around and remember why this route made me so uncomfortable. I thought back to the nights She and I would walk home, the times I missed so desperately. I thought back to when we started recording our last album, the night she convinced me to walk her home so we could talk.

"Do you ever wonder what it would be like…"? Jenny whispered into the cold night to me. "What would be like doll?" I answered. We walked in silence as I looked over to see the glazed over look on her face, obviously trying to figure out what to say.

"W-What it would be like to just runaway? Start fresh, erase the darkest parts of your past and get a new name." pulling her hair behind her ear and turning to look at me, "We could be together you know get married and never look back". I internalized what she was saying and wondered if it was ever as easy as she made it sound.

"Wouldn't you miss things, people and places?" I mumbled aloud. Jenny pulled a strand of hair behind her ear and exhaled warm air into the cold night, grabbed my hands and pulled us to a stop.

"The only thing I would take from this life is you" she whispered, that darkness flashing across her face just long enough for me to notice.

Holding my gaze for only moment longer she began to walk again leaving me in the wake of another one of her episodes. I stood still for a while taking in her sentence. I hated the way she said it, like she would ditch this town with or without me. I watched her fade into the pitch-black night and made my decision not to follow her. I glanced at my phone screen realized it was a little after midnight. I turned back around and ran to the studio picking the lock almost to quickly. I ran down to our hand-me down couch and began to scribble down lyrics to the song that had began to play in my head.

"That look was priceless," I whispered into the microphone "don't let me get carried away". I grabbed my old bass letting the low chords fall together flowing to my last line "open arms reject assuming hands". I heard footsteps coming from upstairs so I glanced at my phone clock that read exactly 3am. What one of the guys could possibly be here this early? I looked down the hallway leading to the stairwell. There she was white dress soaking wet and her gray flats squeaking as she made her way to me.

"It started raining, and I couldn't sleep" Jenny mumbled, sitting next to me and staring expectantly hands resting in her lap. "I just…knew you would be here is all". I couldn't believe the vulnerability she was showing.

Every thought I had going on was screaming the lyric's I had just written, but saying no to her was always hard. Her golden eyes pierced my heart as I leaned closer to ask her to leave for good. Almost suddenly I found my lips meeting hers as fiercely as the always had, these moments made everything she and I went through worth it. No one could possibly make me feel the way she could. As much as I tried to fight the rush and think clearly…couldn't when it came to Jenny. The apparition faded though it wasn't her it was a memory I recalled clear as crystal. Reality pulled me back to the walk back my apartment, I felt so defeated after tonight, I wished more than ever shed be walking next to me. I held onto how he eyes shined even in the black of night, how the hair blew in her face and she wouldn't bother to move it. Just like that it happened again, her small figure appeared next to me in stride barley visible but she was defiantly there.

"Adam" I heard mixed in with all the wind flooding my ears feeling like hands on my neck. Before I knew it every sign of her was gone again, and my eyes fell onto an old park bench. I had been trying to write down my encounters with her so I could look for patterns or a message if I was lucky.

Nights like tonight, felt like I could simply trigger her with memories and thoughts of her. _June 18__th__, 2008…She'll never fade away. _I felt as if I ran the rest of the way home, I slammed my door behind me going on autopilot to the mini fridge. Quickly I poured some vodka into a shot glass and found my way to the window seal. Something must be wrong with me; every time I missed her I ended staring across the way to the empty apartment I guess I couldn't blame anyone for not buying it all this time, I think that there's a law stating you have to tell potential buyers when someone died in a place. I downed the shot watching the empty glass I tossed fall five stories down shattering into a thousand pieces on the black pavement. The thought of jumping always appealed to me at times like these, how easy it would be to just let all these painful thoughts and dark parts of myself break and separate. Hesitantly I stepped back inside and made my way back over to my bed knowing that she'd be haunting my dreams tonight. I let myself drift into sleep anyway knowing that same ghost wouldnbe at the studio too, my safe heaven early the next day.

"Lazara" Eric yelled directly into my face, which scared the living shit outta, me. "You realize your giving me nothing to work with," he continued.

I couldn't help but scoff at him I wasn't into this whole thing to began with and now he wanted more material. Finally the band and I decided that I could just write the song lyrics and not Eric, if anyone could it was I; we spent the rest of the day working on guitar rifts and beats to suit the work I had done so far. Telling our story, Jenny's and I's, here in the studio was a hard pill to swallow. After a long couple hours of work we all decided to get some lunch, and Matt Rubano our bassist pulled me aside as in the record room. I felt like I knew what he wanted and wasn't sure I was ready to talk about it even months later.

"Hey bro how goes it" I mused, punching him the arm as we sat on hand me down couch. Matt looked serious, which I knew would change our dynamic almost immediately.

"These tracks you've been writing for us, majorly good Lazara. As cocky as **thee** Eric Valentine is he had a point using this stuff for the album". I shifted uncomfortably and nodded in agreement telling him that it's hard to turn what happened between Jenny and I over for millions of fans to see. Matt looked taken aback and a little hurt for me, which pushed me to put on my brave face for the kid I considered a little brother.

"Enough emotional bullshit though", I laughed razing my eyebrow "As an artist you get the best quality music bearing your soul!" I almost believed what I had just said as he burst out in laughter like old times.

"Ok man", Matt concluded jumping of the couch and waving at me before he walked out the door "I just wanted to thank you since no one else has. Letting us use your writing shows trust and that's sick of you". I let the silence sink in finally hoping that this would be what I needed to get back to the old Adam.

I pulled out my black notebook and chewed up pen deciding that now would be as good of a time as ever to wok on that new material. _Sink Into Me_ I scribbled across the top of the paper, it felt so good to write a song about overcoming this guilt and letting Jenny move on. I started to put the book back in my pocket as I saw Valentine come toward me from the stairs.

"Hey Lazara hiding the goods?" he said, pulling the cigar out of his mouth long enough to finish the sentence.

"Naw man, just trashing the crappy ones" I said pulling out my own cigarette. That good old Eric, saw right threw the act and told me we'd check it out once the guys got back.

I wondered back to the recording booth the smell of lilies hitting me before I saw her sitting there. Jenny had been waiting and I could feel her pulling the energy from me before I could prepare myself. She walked toward me in that white dress, and my knees buckled instantly as I fell to the floor. Pain shot through my body and all I saw was shattered glass. She leaned over me, her blonde hair brushing against my face.

"Runaway with me" she whispered and the blackness fell over my eyes.

Jenny was walking toward the swing hips swaying and I had barley caught the end of her sentence.

"…I think that everyone has that side to them don't you think" she stated, gripping the chain on the swing tight and turned to look at me. Where am I…? I thought and realized I was in a memory of one of our first dates, if I recalled right a bird would swoop down over her head.

"Adam" she asked and sure enough she ducked as a crow soared down, she laughed nervously and continued to talk "I mean, I'm problem being crude, I see things differently than most". I heard myself respond with a joke telling her she was relatable and give herself more credit. I turned to see where my voice had come from, the park was dimly lit and I saw myself leaning against a brick wall with my hands in the pocket of my ripped jeans.

" I think your the one giving to much credit, but I can handle that" she laughed sitting down on the swing and staring at me. Slipping off her flats and getting momentum she dug her toes into the sand. "I love the night, my thoughts are less cloudy and the moonlight fits me perfect" she said leaning back as the hair fell down her back. I walked over as sat beside her, I remember thinking that she was special this one…my Jenny.

In the blink of an eye the guys were standing over me pouring cold water on my face.

"Guys I'm fine," I stammered sitting up trying to act normal. I stood and made up a bullshit story of tripping and remembering hitting my head.

I frantically told the guys I needed air and added the experience to the log I'd been keeping. Every time I thought I'd be ok she back again claiming to love me or sending unclear messages through the flashbacks. DAMMIT! I loved her, I loved her and she did the most selfish thing a person could do. I hated her for that, but she and I had always hated each other in this round about way. Hate defiantly shared close ties to the love I felt; I had enough and turned to hit the wall. I felt the pain shot up my arm and yelled dammit Jenny, Cut Me Up already. The guys were worried enough and hearing me screaming upstairs probably wasn't helping. The trip down the staircase felt longer than ever, and the booth suddenly felt like an interrogation room. The band mates and Eric were sitting around the broken glass table all eyes on me.

"Adam my man" at Fazzi our guitarist smoothly added. "We're worried this project is getting to your head".

I was majorly off my game, but I was suddenly thankful I'd have my band mates and Eric with me. I had been out voted back in the studio, the guys had decided we needed a break from the album. I parked in the empty alley knowing my posh car didn't need the protection of valet. I grabbed my wallet and headed around the corner, almost bumping into a girl in line. I noticed the gang in a huddle by the door I saw them as Mike waved me over to the group.

"God take any longer Lazzara" Eric exclaimed, "How longs it been since you dolled up". I rocked my swag all the way to the group, flipping my hair and making a fool of myself.

"You know how long it takes me to get pretty" I teased back, " so the strip club eh guys? First time out and you pick the diamond?". The line began to move forward and we all squeezed in last minute smokes and pep talks.

Eddie gave me shit for driving and insisted on driving my car home and me at the end of the night. To my dismay the bouncer must have remembered us and let us in I.D check free, as we entered the smoke filled lobby. By some miracle we had scored our old booth and ordered some drinks from a waitress with nipple tassels and double ds. Our six glasses clanked together and the night began, a couple shows later I was beyond wasted and had blown more cash than I had on lap dances. I hated to admit I missed the night when it was just me and my guys, not worrying about if she'd go over the edge…or end up drunk in the middle of the big city. The night was going by way to fast and I couldn't make sense of any of my scrambled up thoughts. I was headed back to the booth when I felt a presence, across the room with painted red lips. I knew I should ignore it, except she was a hallucination and move on. Maybe if I kept walking and didn't make eye contact she'd simply disappear. I saw Eddie ordering us another round but couldn't find the others anywhere, and found myself looking at the spot where she stood. It was empty but she was already approaching me in the tightest little red silk dress. I searched my memory and realized she owned this in blue, which had always been this, devastating but I was impartial to the red. Oh but she wore it so well, I decided to follow her as she took us to a private room and pushed me back into the lone chair in the room. As she closed the door behind us I saw the shocked look on Fazzis face, Could they see her to?

"Jenny" I whispered as she pressed her lips to mine, everything around us began to fade, and almost instantly we were back in her apartment.

"I'm not much in the mood for talking" Jenny whispered as we got back from the 2004 album release party. Instantly I started looking for the other me in the room, he wasn't there.

"You aren't," I whispered putting distance between us. She sighed pulling off her coat and tossing it to the floor.

"I choose the setting you know, bring you to these places of our past" Jenny stated kissing me so intensely I didn't even know what hit me. " I did love you that entire time, love and hate such a fine line". She gave me one last kiss and before I could pull her close the club rushed back to me, watching her walk out in a blur of red and white.

I stumbled out into the main room more confused than ever, and made my way back to our group booth and the guys were back from all their endeavors.

The buzzing of my alarm startled me out of a dreamless sleep. I glanced at the clock, which read 5 am, but I looked down at the glowing red SAT on the display realizing I didn't even need to be awake. The room stopped blurring and I realized quickly I had fallen asleep in my clothes. Hesitantly, I climbed out of bed anyway and the headache hit like a ton of bricks. All I could remember from last night was Jenny coming back to my apartment with me. I could already hear her bitching about how I let her seduce me yet again. Making my usual round, I stumbled to my window and the emptiness of her room washed over me. Jenny wouldn't be mad, couldn't have been here last night, she was dead. I couldn't believe I had let myself forget… she was dead, had been dead, who was to blame? The booze or the deep desire of my heart to bring her back. I needed to do something on my day off, get out and away from the allure of windows ledges. I heard a buzzing on my dresser that pulled me back to my reality.

"Hey", I grumbled into the phone forgetting to check the caller ID.

"Hi you, long time no talk," a female voice said back.

"Um, who is this?" I groaned back. It hit me like a ton of bricks before she had time to reply.

"Jessica" the voice sang back, "remember?" God did I remember her; it had been months since we had spoken, or even seen each other in the big apple.

I had met Jess who we called doll cause she was flawless in appearance. We met at on of those upscale parties in Manhattan. In my angriest moment you could say I used Jessica to get back. While she was intriguing to me, nonetheless, Jenny had always been my one.

"Adam!" Jess yelled, "You still alive?"

"Yeah, so you were saying we should go out tonight? I'm game, meet me at 7ish". I heard her sigh a "Cool be there" in a stream of giggles wither 2 seconds. I hung up the phone and pulled out a corona, what the fuck had I just agreed to?

I called up Eddie to thank him for the ride and mentioned my drink date with Jess.

"Dude, this right here is progress in its simplest form!" He exclaimed, "With thee Jessica Delane". I didn't see how everyone was so easily accepting this. I get if I was taking the 2nd year vow of celibacy, but hell it had only been a matter of months.

"True I guess it's a sign to move on, it wasn't my fault". We hung up on good terms and I realized it was already 5.

Wow hangover time lapse. I realized I should probably shower and try to pretend I was keeping my cool. Things were slightly falling into place, and I missed my hamper just like old times. The warm water felt good on my skin washing away everywhere the ghost had touched me the night before. I threw some soap in my hair and cranked up the heat. I could of stayed this carefree, perfect, forever. I stepped out of the shower, the steam fogging up the bathroom mirror. I heard Jenny even before I saw her. I looked out the doorway and there she stood, completely naked and starring me straight in the eye.

"I know this is just a memory," I whispered backing up a way "Let me go Jen, let me move the fuck on." She looked so taken aback, now I wasn't giving in.

"I'm half alive just cause I speak to you through memories doesn't mean I have to stick to the script." I couldn't believe she had spoken, better yet told me exactly what I wanted to hear.

This was all wrong, I knew in my heart of hearts she was dead but she was real as she'd been in my past. I would kick myself for not taking her here and now. Moving forward was what I wanted but if there was a chance I could bring her back, all the dilemmas and pain would be gone because she loved me, and I felt I might still have undying love for her. I closed the distance this time pressing my lips around hers and placing my hands on the curve of her hips. Just like that she was gone again, as heart wrenching as she was, she couldn't be real, half real. Because Jenny's gravestone I had visited thousands of times to be sure I wasn't dreaming, lived on the outskirts of town in a cemetery next to an old farm in her name.

I pulled myself together combing my short hair and putting on my best shirt. Jessica and I could have something real if I tried. Being in love with her couldn't do me any good now that she made her decision and sealed her fate that night. She could have run to me, could have packed her bags and found her way to me. I wouldn't hold back tonight, I'd let go. A long subway ride and multiple stops later I was flashing my ID and heading into Zoes. I saw her at the bar and took a deep breath.

"So there he is people, Mr. Mysterious," she said pressing her tongue across the back of her teeth. "Gone off the face of the earth, now he's back and hot as ever." Jessica was a newscaster and was stunningly convincing dropping this line. I slide into the seat next to her and ordered gin and tonic.

"Darling, how have you been?" I stated coolly. One thing about Jessica, she never made me talk much.

"Well, got promoted to weather girl as you may have seen." I nodded and pretended that I'd been part of society these past few months. "Major accomplishment Adam, I know" I saw her pause to take a sip of her Bacardi, and then arch her eyebrows. "Before I get to buzzed and say this wrong, how have you been doing with her dead?" What a trifle attempt at being sweet.

"I'm fine, we all knew she was insane," I laughed

"RIP Jen" I raised my glass and tipped it against hers.

"See exactly what I thought, I mean hot mess girl can only work for so long, before someone actually loses it."

Funny, I almost felt like she was including me in that statement. Probley because I knew she would be right to presume so.


End file.
